Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I fill condoms, not promises.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
