So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
