I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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