1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
