last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
