i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
