My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
