If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
