this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
