i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
