I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
