I skipped work to stalk him.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
