So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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