is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He felt like a one man threesome
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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