Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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