im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
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Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
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My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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