My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Found the puke drawer
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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