so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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