If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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