You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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