sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The air taste purple.
Randomize
