I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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