You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
