You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
