Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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