I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
