does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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