how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She's just so happy...and so naked.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
