I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
