look no pants
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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