cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
