im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
