I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
