I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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