i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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