is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
