I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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