OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Randomize
