Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
