Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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