never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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