Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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