Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
