u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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