He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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