Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I don't deserve a penis
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
