I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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