I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
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We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
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Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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