I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
