Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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