you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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