My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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