Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
