he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
