I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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