alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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