wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
