this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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