I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
