Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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