Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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