Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
